Passages

My younger brother and I usually ‘catch’ up with each other every Saturday or the weekend. We talk about anything and everything calmly and without concern for the time or the distance between us. Last time we spoke he was very happy and delighted that his very dear friend had voluntarily checked himself into a rehab center for drug and alcohol abuse. This condition he pointed was a mask for a very troubled childhood and a life of pain and anguish his friend has. Despite these issues this friend was a very productive and decent family man and citizen. My brother and I thought that it was a very good move on his friends’ part and we hoped that he would get the help he need to move forward with his life. My brother also told his friends’ wife to lean on him as much as she needed to help her through a bumpy ride. She said she would and she too was hoping for a good result.

Today my brother told me that he lost his friend. I was shocked. “Who”, I said hurriedly? I yelled, “No”. I gasped and was befuddled. “What? What happened?” I said. He told me that his friend tried to kill himself after attempting to confront his family members he accused for his anguish. Oh my goodness. What a shame! I am so sad for this whole family. There are so many questions and emotions swirling around in my head about this.
What happened? Did something go wrong with the process or the system?
Did this man open the proverbial can of worms with inadequate preparation and support to handle it?

Was he a renegade who went off because he didn’t want to deal or pretend to deal anymore?
How do you come to grips with this and try to understand or strengthen a system.
Is there a blame and to whom or where do we assign it, or do we even assign it. Is it him for attempting to heal him self and lost control in the process? Did the system pull a lever and not put enough safe guards to be on the lookout and activate reconnaissance? Is this just a tragedy, a sad case where so much is lost because of the failings of motherhood and family?

What are the answers; who knows or will ever know? What do we do now or say to others with a similar situation; go get help to heal? As a society this is what we say to our folks who need help in this regard. Do we say that with trepidation or assurances? How do we address the parenting issue or the issue of child abuse or child endangerment and the victims? As I write this piece I can’t help think about Rocky, the movie. I think of all those scenes of flashbacks of pain and suffering. Different set of circumstances, yes, but similar effect. How can you heal that hurt so it doesn’t continue to cause harm?

This is such a sad and painful situation. So many lives affected in the past and the present. What will be the impact in the future? The situation is this. Parenthood doesn’t come with a manual or training guide. Sometimes it doesn’t even come with a mentor or good guidance or experience to draw from. Raising a child is not an easy task. I always say, you have to become self-less when you have kids. You have to be extra careful, sensitive, and instructive and nurturing, always placing their best interest first. Maintaining composure, consistently meter out commands and emotions and reactions and consequences to make the point, affirm and acknowledge and ‘hear’ them so that they hear you. It’s a delicate balance that must be achieved and maintained through out the years with cognizance. When we fail to do this or unleash our wrath of disappointments, frustration, unprepared-ness for the task, and other unresolved personal issues on the child, well, we can create monsters. I am not calling this dear man a monster but we will influence monstrous behaviors from their experience.

The other thing her is this; did the mental health system that welcomed him helped or failed him and his family, and the rest of us. I don’t know this answer either and I will not speculate. I was told that this guy was in a residential program for about 3 weeks. I don’t know what the discharge plan was or his follow through. I don’t know what his extended family situation – his external support system was. I have to say however his efforts didn’t seem to give him the expected result. Maybe it was just too late.

Would things have been different today had he kept up his self treatment – alcohol and drug uses. This situation was a ticking time bomb, which he realized and wanted to change before it got the better of him. Unfortunately it did. I have to say getting clean or learning how to cope with life issues in the natural is still the best course of action. We however hope for good results and perhaps it is the case more often than not. This is a very, very sad outcome.

What do we say to a little girl who suddenly lost her beloved daddy; her Daddy who was trying to make his/their lives better and now he is gone?

Take heart dear child, we pray for your safety and your peace. I am sorry for your loss. May God bless you and grant you and your family peace.

Bro, stay close they will need your support more than ever. You can count on me.

Saturdays

It seems that I’ve been having car problems for a couple of weeks now. I guess I need a new car! Unfortunately that’s not possible right now. I am open to donations though!

Saturdays are the days I have to do without the car and get the errands done as best as I can. I can drop off the car at the mechanic early in the morning and then make my way around town. For one thing, my mechanic is close to the market where I shop so I can do the other errands, get back to the garage drop off the bags and walk over to the market. Today I was not in a mood to do much. The car would also not be ready early. My plan was to walk to the market and pick up a few things that I could easily carry back on my own. Of course my plan didn’t work out or ever does. I can’t remember going into a store to pick up one thing or a planned set of things and walk out with just that or those items. I’ve even tried to take just the amount of money I needed, based on an estimate from previous purchases, and still manage to come back with other stuff. Anyway I guess that’s the way it is.

Anytime I catch my self in this situation and make the comment about picking up more than I intended to, I get the Amen Chorus from the folks around. Does that happen to you? Or should I say do you find yourself in that predicament? Well, every other person that I make this comment to always echoes the same sentiment. “Yes I do.” There are times when I am on the cashier’s line and I hear the comment coming from other shoppers. I usually chime in and get a laugh at the situation. This might be a curse or an unconscious act, a program. If you enter a store or market or shop you will leave with more than you went in for or need. Maybe the advertisers or store planners has us pegged. We are doomed. Should we change this behavior or be concerned about the extra items, well except when it cuts into your budget? We don’t need therapy or anything, do we?

I always make the excuse that I could use the things or I might need it soon or it’s a good price, or it’s cute and it’ll look nice ‘over there’. We all know that we can find use for anything at any time; we also know that it’s not a bargain if we don’t need it, even if it’s a good price and, we are all too vain. So any way I had to call my husband to come get me with the 10 bags I manage to assemble in the market. It’s a good thing that I didn’t have much to do out this day as I am sure I wouldn’t have had enough dough to do it all. Well, maybe I would have stuck to the plan of picking up the few essential things I went to get, and maybe two more things. Just two or three!

Goodly Creatures

"O wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here!

How beauteous mankind is!

O brave new world that

has such people in it!" - William Shakespeare, The Tempest, 5.1

I came across this quote on a Street Scape poster and thought I would post it. It strikes at the heart of my comment from last week.

Last week I was the recipient of a good deed from a fellow bus rider. I said thanks to the stranger and to the Moms and the children of the world for being so wonderful. I really meant those sentiments and so this quote from William Shakespeare’s Tempest chronicle that reality. There are many goodly creatures out there but we don't always encounter them or behave that way ourselves. I am very happy to have experienced the wonder here there!

I know that each day has its own challenges and situations but some how, some where and sometimes we encounter the beauty and kindness of people. I hope all of the people we encounter this week are goodly creatures!

Reckoning

The world is a wonderful place, and the people, well, they are the bonus. I am breaking my blog entry routine to make this post because I had a feel good moment.

Remember a couple of weeks ago I wrote that while I was running errands I was given a seat on a bus? Well, it happened again today. Oh yeah! And this time I felt honored. No second guessing the motive. I felt honored for the respect and honored to be a mother.

This day I was on my A game. I was dressed in business clothes, hair nicely coiffed, make-up etc. I was calm, poised, not harried or laden down with shopping bags going about my business. I hopped on the bus to save time. As I made my way to the back of the bus, a gentleman got up and offered me his seat. I don’t want to attribute his generosity to my appearance or the friendly look I had on my face. The bus had a group of good looking folks. I think it was all him; his belief that we should be treated courteously. It was refreshing. He got a loud and melodious Thank You, Sir! from me.

I thought to myself, hmmm! There are many good and decent and respectable folks out there. Never mind the assumption that some things skipped a generation, hence the generation gap in values and sensibilities from my generation. I guess that some things did not escape the group. Members of this group, a younger generation, that I have encountered, are ‘out there’ doing good deeds.

Thanks Moms, for teaching common values and respect. Thanks Son for living the lessons learned. Thanks society, the village, for the acknowledgement and reinforcement of good deeds. All is not lost; let’s keep it going.

Thank you, you've made my day. Thanks everybody!

Many Happy Returns

The last three weeks I have been busy with party planning, party gift shopping and celebrations. I love a good party! Don’t you? So I try to give a good party with as many people and as much of the trimmings as the wallet can procure. I always get such a kick putting on a party. When it all comes together, it’s like butter cream icing on your favorite cake. Wow, what a pleasure! I simply love it!

During this time I planned and celebrated a 21st birthday party which turned out well. We put together and celebrated a 17th birthday party which was wonderful. I am now working on an old farts celebration. It might sound crazy to folks as we are in a recession and money is tight. But come on, we must take time to smell the roses and while we are at it, Make it special! And that doesn’t have to mean expensive.

These events are important if not only to acknowledge the presence or existence of the ones we celebrate, but to show appreciation and encouragement for their being and their value to you and the cosmos. These celebrations are a wonderful way to get together, to relax, reflect and to renew acquaintances and look forward to the next event.

I had a chance to see some folks I haven’t seen in years and rekindle my affinity for party planning, decorating and entertaining. As I reflected on the years gone by and the many events I have planned, I have the same fondness for putting on a party. I think that I may have a future in this business. I have been looking and assessing, trying to figure out how to recreate myself for prosperity. All of the gurus giving advice on career planning, career change and how to find satisfaction with one self all tell us that the key to success is to find something we are passionate about and go for it. I love this party business.

I have been on this ‘searching’ kick lately trying to figure out where I should go or what path to follow. This idea of party planning and the pieces associated with it is like a boomerang waiting for me to grab. Hmmmmm! Maybe I should really look into it. If it happens there will be another birthday to celebrate.

Happy Birthday guys and many, many, happy, healthy returns!!! Thanks for the memories.