Passages

My younger brother and I usually ‘catch’ up with each other every Saturday or the weekend. We talk about anything and everything calmly and without concern for the time or the distance between us. Last time we spoke he was very happy and delighted that his very dear friend had voluntarily checked himself into a rehab center for drug and alcohol abuse. This condition he pointed was a mask for a very troubled childhood and a life of pain and anguish his friend has. Despite these issues this friend was a very productive and decent family man and citizen. My brother and I thought that it was a very good move on his friends’ part and we hoped that he would get the help he need to move forward with his life. My brother also told his friends’ wife to lean on him as much as she needed to help her through a bumpy ride. She said she would and she too was hoping for a good result.

Today my brother told me that he lost his friend. I was shocked. “Who”, I said hurriedly? I yelled, “No”. I gasped and was befuddled. “What? What happened?” I said. He told me that his friend tried to kill himself after attempting to confront his family members he accused for his anguish. Oh my goodness. What a shame! I am so sad for this whole family. There are so many questions and emotions swirling around in my head about this.
What happened? Did something go wrong with the process or the system?
Did this man open the proverbial can of worms with inadequate preparation and support to handle it?

Was he a renegade who went off because he didn’t want to deal or pretend to deal anymore?
How do you come to grips with this and try to understand or strengthen a system.
Is there a blame and to whom or where do we assign it, or do we even assign it. Is it him for attempting to heal him self and lost control in the process? Did the system pull a lever and not put enough safe guards to be on the lookout and activate reconnaissance? Is this just a tragedy, a sad case where so much is lost because of the failings of motherhood and family?

What are the answers; who knows or will ever know? What do we do now or say to others with a similar situation; go get help to heal? As a society this is what we say to our folks who need help in this regard. Do we say that with trepidation or assurances? How do we address the parenting issue or the issue of child abuse or child endangerment and the victims? As I write this piece I can’t help think about Rocky, the movie. I think of all those scenes of flashbacks of pain and suffering. Different set of circumstances, yes, but similar effect. How can you heal that hurt so it doesn’t continue to cause harm?

This is such a sad and painful situation. So many lives affected in the past and the present. What will be the impact in the future? The situation is this. Parenthood doesn’t come with a manual or training guide. Sometimes it doesn’t even come with a mentor or good guidance or experience to draw from. Raising a child is not an easy task. I always say, you have to become self-less when you have kids. You have to be extra careful, sensitive, and instructive and nurturing, always placing their best interest first. Maintaining composure, consistently meter out commands and emotions and reactions and consequences to make the point, affirm and acknowledge and ‘hear’ them so that they hear you. It’s a delicate balance that must be achieved and maintained through out the years with cognizance. When we fail to do this or unleash our wrath of disappointments, frustration, unprepared-ness for the task, and other unresolved personal issues on the child, well, we can create monsters. I am not calling this dear man a monster but we will influence monstrous behaviors from their experience.

The other thing her is this; did the mental health system that welcomed him helped or failed him and his family, and the rest of us. I don’t know this answer either and I will not speculate. I was told that this guy was in a residential program for about 3 weeks. I don’t know what the discharge plan was or his follow through. I don’t know what his extended family situation – his external support system was. I have to say however his efforts didn’t seem to give him the expected result. Maybe it was just too late.

Would things have been different today had he kept up his self treatment – alcohol and drug uses. This situation was a ticking time bomb, which he realized and wanted to change before it got the better of him. Unfortunately it did. I have to say getting clean or learning how to cope with life issues in the natural is still the best course of action. We however hope for good results and perhaps it is the case more often than not. This is a very, very sad outcome.

What do we say to a little girl who suddenly lost her beloved daddy; her Daddy who was trying to make his/their lives better and now he is gone?

Take heart dear child, we pray for your safety and your peace. I am sorry for your loss. May God bless you and grant you and your family peace.

Bro, stay close they will need your support more than ever. You can count on me.

Life's Journey

Anytime she felt she needed to make a point about our behavior, attitude or expectations, or just to get us to change course, my Grandmother always had a saying for us. The one that applies in this instance is this. She would say “the only thing in life that is guaranteed is death.” Grandpa would then say, “Well, dying is a part of life.” A time goes by I understand those sayings more and more, you know put them into perspective. Yes, dying is a part of life; the end of life. A wonderful person left us this week end and I cried.

Today I was told that a dear person I’ve worked along side for several years passed away overnight. Ironically, at the time I got the news, I was getting off my seat to walk over to her office to say good morning as I did so often. Sometimes she would beat me to the punch and come to see me. The words and emotion behind those words knocked my knees from under me and I fell back in my chair. What! I exclaimed, in confusion. As I thought I heard what I had heard, I moved towards the bearer of the news and she was in tears. What! I exclaimed again as tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried to reach out to her but couldn’t even grip her arm. I was in shock. I was numb, confused and befuddled.

The church hymn asks, ‘death where is thy sting,’ usually sung in the Easter celebration for the risen omnipotent one has stung deeply. For us mortals, it is severe and final. When death occurs, the survivors have to go on living, despite the pain and despair of loosing a loved one, or hear of someone else’s loss. We not only have to contend with our feelings, we usually have to assure others that we are ok and in the end, the departed is better off. After all, sometimes life feels like hell on earth. We also must accept condolences and console others to help each other cope – live through the pain. It takes strength and the resolve to accept that our only option is to move forward.

I don’t know if losing someone suddenly is more painful than if death comes after the progression of an illness or a long, long life into the final stages. Age is not a factor, socio economic status, or even a continent. One thing for certain, death will reach you in some way shape or form at one time or another. In any case it hurts. It hurts even to say “sorry for your loss,” to a stranger. This is not a situation where lip service can suffice; the feeling runs deep into the soul. Commiserating with others is solace but not immunity. The mystery and mortality, the reality that there is one less person in your circle can be so devastating; debilitating and immobilizing. The pain, grief and anguish are huge.

Loss– there is no going back; no do over. No more opportunity to say I’m sorry. No let’s try again. No don’t worry it will be alright. No, none of that once death comes. It’s all over. Done! The End! Kaput! C’est Finis! No more ability or opportunity to correct or make amends, thank or praise. This finality is the most intense pain and sadly that is death.

I couldn’t understand or believe what I was hearing. I walked into the other office to see the others, to check the news. Every one there was in disarray with looks of disbelief and wonder from the news. From the expressions and the somber look on everyone’s face I knew it was true. I leaned against the file cabinet as I felt I needed to anchor myself to keep from falling. That would not even be a joke from the wryest person around because we all loved, respected and appreciated her. As I stood there with my colleagues struggling to hold back the tears, all I could see or hear was my last conversation with her; “I’ll be alright, I’ll rest up this weekend. I’ll be fine!” She would be ok, she told me so. I believed her. Why not, she’s said that to me before and she was back. Did she know that would be our last conversation, even subconsciously? How, why, what, oh my God, how? No, no not her. She was……she was going to be ok. What did I miss? Could I have done something to change this outcome? What am I going to do now?!

I had to come to grips with the reality that she is gone and the rest of us will have to live on. We will have to remember, relish the ideas, thoughts and exchanges we’ve had, we’ve shared and lived, lived with and laughed about. We will have to find a way to pick up the slack, fill the void and absorb the loss in more ways than one. Her memory, thoughts and the love that she brought and shared must take us forward. The strength and courage that she displayed and the joy and beauty she brought to us will live on in our minds. I shall miss you and I shall live as you did and would; Happy, practical and honest. Take life as it comes and roll with it.

I will turn to the words of wisdom for strength and motivation, the examples of others moving forward and her memory of positive acquiescence. One thing I know is this; life guarantees death and we will survive, endure and eventually succumb. Hopefully the legacy will be such that the living will appreciates the value of life and live each day in love, joy, peace and beauty of service, respect and appreciation for music. She was a prolific dancer.

Every beginning has an end, this we know. When, how, why the end is reached is a mystery, a painful event. We will endure.

Thank you for sharing and giving to me. I am fortunate to have known you. I cried today because I miss you. Rest eternally in peace!

For all who read or browse this piece, I pray that you find something useful to help you in your journey. I hope you will share your vision, experiences or thoughts on this with us.